Da Rake (ParodyPasta)
by ddog Le 2346
Summary: Basically, until I can submit to Creepypa ta Dot Com, this is where my longest work so far shall live. What happens when a bunch of people have mixed perceptions on who "Da Rake" is? Well, I don't know! I don't read this crap!


**The**** Da Rake (aka Read This With A Stern, News-Anchor Tone)**

During the Summer of 69', events in the United States involving Bryan Adams starting a ba- wait, that's a song. During the summer of 2003, that's it. Summer of 2003, stuff in northeastern US involving a strange creature sparked brief local media interest before an apparent blackout was enacted. Little or no information was left intact, as most online and written accounts of the creature were mysteriously eaten by a magical troll.

Primarily focused in rural New York state (wait, what?), elfish witnesses told stories of their encounters with a creature of unknown origin. Emotions ranged from extremely traumatic levels of fright and discomfort, to an almost childlike sense of playfulness and curiosity (Hmmm, sounds about right for elves...). While their published versions are no longer on record, the memories remained powerful. Several of the involved Mario Parties began looking for answers that year.

In early 2006, the collaboration had accumulated nearly two documents (!) dating between the 12th century and present day, spanning 4 continents. In almost all cases, the stories were identical. I've been in contact with a member of this group and was able to get some excerpts from their upcoming book, titled "You Can Pl- Hey! That's not funny!

Da Rake

'An Obvious Schwiecide Note: 1964 (Really from 2003)

As I prepare to move on, I feel it necessary to address anything I have insinuated through this act. It is not the fault of anyone other than him. For once I awoke and felt his presence. And once I awoke and saw his form. Once again I awoke and heard his voice, and looked into his eyes. As it turned out, it was my 2-year-old son. I cannot sleep without fear of what I might next awake to experience. I'm moving to California. I heard they like things there. Goodbye.'

Found in the same wooden box were two empty envelopes addressed to Jack and Rose, and one loose personal letter with no envelope, because the previous owners were lazy.

'Dearest Linnie,

I have prayed for you. He spoke your name. Your stupid, stupid name. I mean, it's like your parents were expecting a boy named Lenny, but freaked when it was a girl.'

A Journal Entry (translated from Spanish): 1880 (Really 5 minutes ago)

I have experience the greatest terror. I have experienced the greatest terror. I have experienced the greatest terror. I see his eyes when I close mine. They are Black. They saw me and pierced me, them and his wet ****. I will not sleep. His voice (unintelligible text). Wait, that's an ad. This is Spanish Erotica!

A Mariner's Log: 1691 (Eh, I'm done with this crap.)

He came to me in my sleep. From the foot of my bed I felt a sensation. He took everything. The car, the stove, even Alberto! We must return to Canada. We shall not return here again at the request of some random guy on American Idol.

From a Witness: 2006 (Probably)

Three min- years, I meant years, ago, I had just returned from a trip from Viagra Falls with my family for the 4th of Julaugustine. We were all very exhausted after a long day of magicianing, so my husband and I threw the kids right into the death pit and called it a night.

At about 4am, I woke up thinking my husband had gotten up to use the restroom. I used the moment to steal back the south, only to wake him in the process. I apologized and told him I though he got out of Congress. When he turned to face me, he gasped and pulled his feet up from the end of the bed so quickly his knee almost knocked me out of the bed. He then grabbed me and said something very important, like his last words or something. Too bad I didn't listen.

After adjusting to the dark for a half year, I was able to see what caused the strange reaction. At the foot of the bed, sitting and facing away from us, there was what appeared to be a Jewish man, or a Black man of some sort. It's body position was disturbing and unnatural, as if it had been preparing to sing or something. For some reason, I was not instantly frightened by it, but more... entertained by his presence. Romanced, even. At this point I was somewhat under the assumption that we were supposed to give him money.

My husband was peering over his arm and knee, tucked into the fetal position, occasionally glancing at me before returning to the Black/Jewish singer man.

In a flurry of motion, the man scrambled around the side of the bed, and then crawled quickly in a flailing sort of motion right along the bed until it was less than a foot from my husband's face. The man was completely silent for about 30 seconds (or probably closer to 5, it just seemed like a while) just looking at my husband. The creature then placed its hand on his knee and then proceeded to sing: "BABY YOU MY ERYTHANG, YOU ALL I EVA WANED!" Then sprang to the hallway leading to the kids' rooms.

I screamed and ran for the light switch, planning to stop him before he hurt my children...'s ears. When I got to the hallway, the light from the bedroom was enough to see it crouching and hunched over about 20 feet away. Such a big house. He turned around and looked directly at me, covered in drool. I flipped the switch on the wall and saw my daughter Clara, panting heavily.

The creature ran down the stairs while my husband and I rushed to help our daughter. She was very badly injured and spoke only once more in her short life. She said, "He is Drake" "Wait, Da Rake, you mean." "No, no, I'm quite sure I mean Drake." "No, he is Da Rake, like the title, remember?" "No, really, he is Drake. You know, from Degrassi?" "No, it's DA RAKE!" "NO, IT'S- Aw, forget it, I'm dead."

My husband probably drove his car into a lake that night, while rushing our daughter to the hospital. He did not survive. Probably. We didn't really feel like looking for him.

Being a small town, news got around pretty quickly. The police were helpful at first, and the local newspaper took a lot of interest as well (3 people! Huge, man!). However, the story was never published and the local television news never followed up either.

For several months, my completely real son Justin and I stayed in a hotel near my parent's house. After we decided to return home, I began looking for answers myself. I eventually located a man in the next town over who had a similar story. We got in contact and began talking about our experiences. He knew of two other people in New York who had seen the creature we now referred to as Drake. Idiots, he's Da Rake.

It took the four of us about two solid years of hunting on the Internet and writing letters to come up with a small collection of what we believe to be accounts of Da Rake. None of them gave any details, history or follow up. One journal had an entry involving the guy in its first 3 pages, and never mentioned it again. A ship's log explained nothing of the encounter, saying only that they were told to leave by the Rake. That was the last entry in the log.

There were, however, many instances where the man's visit was one of a series of visits with the same city, for something called a "Concert". Ugh, killing people AND making up words!? This has to stop!

Multiple people also mentioned being spoken to, my daughter included. This led us to wonder if the Rake had visited any of us before our last encounter.

I set up a digital recorder near my bed and left it running all night, every night, for two hours. I would tediously scan through the sounds of me dancing around on my bed each day when I woke up. By the end of the second second, I was quite used to the occasional sound of sexy time while blurring through the recording at 8 times the normal speed. (This still took almost an ENTIRE MINUTE every day!)

On the first second of the third minute, I thought I heard something different. What I found was a shrill voice. It was Da Rake. I can't listen to it long enough to even begin to transcribe it. I haven't let anyone listen to it yet. All I know is that I've heard it before, and I now believe that it spoke when it was sitting in front of my husband. I don't remember hearing anything at the time, but for some reason, the voice on the recorder immediately brings me back to that moment.

"BABY YOU MY ERYTHANG, YOU ALL I EVER WANTED!"

"Hey, he's not that bad!"

"SHUT UP, HE'S OBVIOUSLY GONNA KILL US, DON'T YOU SEE!?"

"Whatever, Janice..."

The thoughts that must have gone through my daughter's head make me very upset.

I have not seen Da Rake since he ruined my life, but I know that he has been in my room while I slept. I know and fear that one night I'll wake up to see him singing to me...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Now, that probably bored the shit out of you. Here, take this Bagel. It was made with my tears after I saw episode 12 of Pewds Plays To The Moon. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, we have with us DRAKE! "BABY YOU MAH E-"


End file.
